Marriage

ORIGINALLY POSTED ON 4th JANUARY 2007

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Right now, sitting at my laptop, typing this post - the first in quite a while - I can't remember why I married Martin. I can remember that I really, really wanted to marry him; I wasn't forced into it in any way whatsoever. And I don't just mean forced externally. My Mum often talks about how she and my father should never have married because my Mum knew from the very start that they weren't right for each other. "Why DID you marry him, then?" I'd ask.

And she'd always sigh and look into the distance and say, "Well... I suppose I just drifted into it. It felt... like the right thing to do."

"Didn't you love him?"

"No... actually, I'm fairly sure that I didn't."

"But you thought that marrying him was the right thing to do?"

And she'd let out a quiet laugh. "Yes... yes, I did. I realise it sounds ridiculous, but there I was: 25 years old, I'd been to University, I'd got my degree, I'd got my job, I was earning money, I was doing the thing I'd always wanted to do... and I'd recently finished with James and I met your Dad... and I suppose I just thought to myself, 'You can't just hang about like this for ever. Get a move on. Do the things you know you're meant to do.' And of course one of those things was getting married and starting a family... which sounds odd now, looking back, considering we're talking about 70s, but that is how it was." Another sigh. "And your father was a very, very good catch, as your Nan used to say... so that's how it happened."

I suppose I'd call that an internal pressure, and the point I'm trying to make is that I didn't feel any of this sort of pressure either when it came to marrying Martin. Did I love Martin, is that all it was about? Yes, I did. I do.

I hesitated just now before typing that, because I don't think I'm actually capable of feeling love at the moment. Anyway, that's not what I want to think about right now. I was trying to think about my marriage. I can't remember the moment at which I'd decided that if ever Martin asked me to marry him, I'd say Yes. I'm sure there was a time when I could remember that moment, so maybe the fact that I can't remember it has something to do with... everything that's going on. But it does worry me... no, it upsets me that I can't remember it.

Aimee once told me that she remembers a definite split-second when she looked at Marco and thought, 'Right, that's it, he's got me now. I'm his. For better or worse.' She said it was a moment of total and utter 'givingness'. She said that when she uttered similar words out loud during her actual wedding ceremony, she didn't say them with half as much conviction as she'd said them to herself during that brief, conclusive moment; she said she was too worried about everything to do with the wedding itself, she was too nervous, too wound up. But she knew in her heart of hearts that she did mean every single word she was saying, because of that one moment.

I don't think it was an obviously 'special' moment in any way at all. Apparently they were sitting in their lounge on a Sunday reading various bits of their Sunday paper. Marco chuckled over something he'd read and asked Aimee if she'd listen to a short passage. And as he read out loud to her, she looked at him sitting opposite her, she looked at his face, at his hands holding the newspaper and that was when she knew, that was when she was absolutely sure. Of course, she didn't pay the slightest bit of attention to what he'd been reading to her.

It's funny, I don't think I was nervous at all during my wedding. I think I just enjoyed it too much. I mean, I really, really enjoyed every minute of it. I loved everything to do with it. The dressing up, the make-up, choosing the clothes, the decorations, the menu for the reception. Martin and I insisted on doing everything ourselves; I'm sure that's why we enjoyed it as much as we did. And on the day itself, I just wanted to soak in every second of every minute. I suppose I was just having too much to feel nervous about anything. Aimee says she's really jealous of me, because she can remember hardly anything about her actual ceremony. She says she remembers her reception, because she was much more relaxed by that stage. But not much of the ceremony. She's watched her video of it hundreds of times and it makes her weep and sop each time she sees it, but she has no real memory of the event. But I keep going off my point.

Why did I marry Martin? I didn't feel I had to do it simply because it 'the right thing to do'. I didn't feel I had to do it because I wanted to have a child with him; I think it's all right to have a child with someone you're not married to. I didn't feel I had to do it for religious reasons. I didn't feel... what? Maybe I shouldn't be putting it in negatives. He asked me and I said Yes. Why did I say Yes? If he'd never asked me, would I have asked him? Would I have dropped hints? [He said I'd dropped plenty, but I didn't want to upset him by telling him that I hadn't consciously dropped a single one! But maybe it's the subconscious ones that matter most?]

Why did I marry Martin? Why do I stay married to Martin? If he said he wants a divorce, would I say Yes?